Pregnancy and Infant Loss: Finding Support in Monroe County
Excerpt: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Dr. Melani Kekulawala shares what grief after a loss can look like, why it's never your fault, and where Monroe County families can find support.
In this article
You are not alone
It's not your fault
What grief can look like
Taking care of your body
Where to find support
How to support someone you love
Frequently asked questions
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On October 15, families around the world lit candles at 7 p.m. for the babies they carried and lost, creating a wave of light across every time zone.
If you've lost a pregnancy or a baby, whether last week or many years ago, this post is for you. As a physician who cares for women through pregnancy and delivery, I want you to know a few things.
You are not alone
Pregnancy loss is far more common than most people realize, because so many families grieve quietly. According to March of Dimes, about 10 to 20 of every 100 known pregnancies end in miscarriage. Many more families experience stillbirth or the loss of a baby after birth.
Those numbers can't measure your loss. But they may help you feel a little less alone in it.
It's not your fault
This is the most important thing I can tell you. Most miscarriages happen because of chromosomal problems that no one could have caused or prevented. They are not caused by working, exercising, having sex, lifting your toddler or a stressful week.
So many women replay every moment, looking for what they did wrong. Please hear this from your doctor: you did not cause this.
What grief can look like
There's no right way to grieve a pregnancy or a baby. You might feel:
Deep sadness, numbness or emptiness
Guilt, even though the loss wasn't your fault
Anger, including at friends who are pregnant
Anxiety about trying again, or about a future pregnancy
Physical exhaustion and trouble sleeping
Partners grieve too, sometimes in different ways or on a different timeline. That doesn't mean they care less.
Grief often comes in waves. Due dates, anniversaries and holidays can be especially hard.
Taking care of your body
After a loss, your body needs care too. Please call us if you have heavy bleeding (soaking more than one pad an hour), a fever, severe pain or bad-smelling discharge.
If sadness doesn't lift, or you have trouble getting through the day, tell us. Depression and anxiety after a loss are common, and they're treatable. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 any time.
Where to find support
You don't have to find your way through this alone. These organizations offer free support:
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support offers peer support, online groups and resources for parents and grandparents. Call 1-800-821-6819 or visit nationalshare.org.
Postpartum Support International has a helpline for emotional support after birth or loss: 1-800-944-4773 (call or text "Help").
First Candle supports families after stillbirth, miscarriage and sudden infant death: firstcandle.org.
United Way 2-1-1 can connect you with local grief counselors and support groups in Monroe County. Just dial 2-1-1.
The State of Michigan keeps a list of pregnancy and infant loss resources, including help with burial costs.
And please lean on us. Our providers are here to answer your questions, check on your recovery and help you find counseling.
How to support someone you love
If someone close to you has had a loss:
Say their baby's name, if they've shared it
Skip "at least" phrases, like "at least it was early"
Offer specific help, like a meal or a ride, instead of "let me know if you need anything"
Remember the hard dates, like the due date, and check in
When you're ready
There's no timeline for grief. Some families want to talk about a future pregnancy right away. Others need months or years. Both are okay.
When and if you're ready, we'll be here to talk about what happened, answer your questions and plan for whatever comes next, including care in a future pregnancy.
To every family who has lost a baby: we hold you in our hearts, this month and always.
Frequently asked questions
How long should I wait to try again after a miscarriage? For many women, there's no medical need to wait long after an early miscarriage. Emotionally, though, it's different for everyone. Talk with us about your situation before you start trying again.
Will I have another miscarriage? Most women who have one miscarriage go on to have a healthy pregnancy. If you've had two or more losses, we can look for causes and talk about testing.
When should I call my doctor after a miscarriage? Call us if you have heavy bleeding, fever, severe pain or bad-smelling discharge, or if your mood isn't improving. We'd always rather hear from you.
How can my partner get support too? Many support groups, including Share, welcome partners. Partners can also call the Postpartum Support International helpline.
References
March of Dimes. Miscarriage.
About the author: Dr. Melani Kekulawala ("Dr. K"), MD, MPH, is a family medicine physician with fellowship training in surgical obstetrics, completed at ProMedica Monroe Regional Hospital. She delivers babies and cares for women's physical and mental health at Monroe OBGYN.
This post is for general education and isn't medical advice. If you're in crisis, call or text 988.
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